The "D" Word

On July 14 2014, just 16 days shy of my 20-year wedding anniversary, my husband Brian and I finally decided  chose agreed we were going to get divorced. We were separated (and started filing) once before, got back together, and have been struggling through the past 6+ years trying to make the changes necessary to make our marriage work. We both agreed it was for the betterment of the family as a whole as we could see the strain it was causing on Nate and Elizabeth. No one wants to watch their parents fight or call each other names. It was a rough decision, one that I've cried over many days and nights over the past few months, but one that I feel deep down inside my gut and in my heart is truly for the best.

We decided to use a mediator again (we actually met with him to start the process one day after our 20 year anniversary) rather than lawyer up and fight through every decision. Here is a brief idea (I can't express it all or it'd be pages and pages long...) of what the past 7 months (thank goodness it was only 7 months!) have been like:

* The emotions - so. many. emotional ups and downs constantly messing with my mind and heart. Of course it's the right decision but it's hard to walk away from a 23 year relationship.
* You learn a lot about a person when you go through a divorce - the way it brings out the worst in each of you, the manipulative nature of your soon-to-be ex, the guilt trips.
* We put our primary residence on the market before I was ready to move (I still hadn't found a house; Brian found the perfectly priced, great house, great location right away). I was forced to move into a crappy apartment until I find a house to buy.
* Living in the same house until one moves out or buys a house is complete and utter tortuous hell. I highly recommend not doing it. He should have manned up and moved out. Being in the same house day in and day out, seeing everything they are doing... yeah, I can't even describe the pain and agony one feels.
* I had a mental breakdown once the house was under contract and was unable to do anything. I couldn't pack, I couldn't make a decision, I could barely get out of bed - there was some sort of mental block that rendered me completely immobilized and unable to do anything. Thank god for my Mom and Mom-in-law who drove here from CA at (literally) a moment's notice and packed up my entire 3800 sq ft house for me and the kids. Brian had packed up 'his' stuff and moved out, that's it. He provided no help to us in packing up anything else. Most of it went into storage. It took the movers 2 full days to load the truck and move to the apartment and storage unit. I will never be able to express the gratitude and strength those two women brought with them to help me. You will always need your mom(s).
* Even after 7 months, so many tears, loss of friends, forgiveness (still working on this one; it's going to take a long time to forgive)... there is still sadness and some regret. Regret that I did not do enough, was not enough, didn't try hard enough...

It's been a long process, and one that I have been mostly unable to write about and still am not sure I've gotten all off my shoulders that I want (need) to say. But for now...


~with much love (and growth and forward movement and smiles), always

Scattered thoughts.... a very personal post

(This is a very personal blog post purging many things from my system so I can go into this holiday season and the new year a wiser, healthier person. If you don't want brutal honesty, stop reading now.)

As anyone who knows me or has read my blog before or is a friend on Facebook can attest to, I am pretty random and scattered when it comes to my feelings and I have a very small filter when expressing those thoughts and feelings. I am, and have always been since as far back as I can possibly remember, as bipolar as they come (without actually being diagnosed with bipolar disorder but mental illness does run in my family). I can be fine one minute and be in complete turmoil 5 minutes later; happy one minute, in tears within seconds. Going through a divorce (as agreeable as we are with each other) has not made that personality trait of mine any easier to deal with. In fact, I think it's gotten much worse. I've taken more Xanax than ever in the past 6-12 months to get me through those rough patches where I can't breathe because I have no idea what I'm going to do, how I'm going to be able to do it (this one scares me the most), or where I am going.

By nature, I'm not a patient person and waiting for things to happen is very difficult for me. I don't want to wait for the attorney to review our changes to the mediated agreement; I don't want to wait until after the new year to file with the court; I don't want to wait the 3-4 weeks after we file for it to all be finalized; I don't want to be patient while I look for a house. I constantly feel like I'm waiting, waiting for my life to start over. I want to change my thinking with this. I want to remember that life is about the journey and not the destination. I want to embrace this time in my life where I can do everything differently than I've known for the past 23 years.


Back to the divorce, which seems to be all my life is about right now.... I want to do everything "right" for the kids. I want them to finish their teen years knowing that both their mother and father love them (which they know) and that we will always be a family even though we aren't married any longer. I am so jealous of the families that can spend holidays together at one home or the other, or go on vacation together, or exchange gifts (not that we did much of that before, anyway) to show that it's not about the gift but about the joy of giving, or those that can go to dinner and laugh and still have a good time. I haven't seen my soon-to-be-ex since Oct 28 and that was not a pretty event (there was yelling, by both parties, and an iced tea thrown about 30 yards shattering beyond recognition - not my proudest moment). We communicate mostly by text or email. I have not seen his new home where my children spend 50% of their time (I have not been invited over to see it). He still controls almost everything in my life AND I HATE THAT but it's a necessity for now. When I need bills paid, I send them to him for him to pay through the joint checking. When I need a rent check, I have to let him know and he writes the check for me and sends it with Nate. I am more trapped now than I ever felt before. But I know when the funds stop being shared I will stress about every single penny that I spend.


I have very few friends. I lost my long-time best friend of 23 years in the divorce (because she is married to his best friend). I have some friends at the gym but they all seem to have their own lives and starting a new friendship is not easy. I know I need to put myself out there but it causes me even more anxiety. I miss my friends I had a few years ago when I was blissfully ignorant but thought I was happy. Those were good times. Game nights, bars, beers, dinners, vacations, sledding, NYE in Flagstaff, those grand times are forever ingrained in my brain . I miss my friends. I'm lonely.


~ with much love, always

Reblog....

I did NOT write this because I am unable to formulate my thoughts yet despite mutually agreeing to pursue a divorce from Brian; it's still too early. But every single one of these points hits home, hurts, and causes pain in ways I've never known.

36 Things I Wish Someone Told Me About Divorce by Michele Zipp

I know there is a process and I'm slowly working on it. But for now....

I am looking forward. I don't want to miss out on the magical things awaiting me.


~with much love, always