tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56385873027585765402024-03-12T16:27:03.903-07:00Only When I Lose Myself....I write about my life, exercise, my kids, dieting (or lack thereof), divorce, people that piss me off, and other working mom stuff and I don't usually mince words. Feel free to follow me, comment, or just be a lurker - your choice (but I'd love comments if you feel moved or just wanna.) ;) Enjoy!~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.comBlogger121125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-43068519112699650012016-04-14T07:58:00.000-07:002017-04-06T08:25:04.063-07:00Random thoughts on love...
My heart hurts. It feels heavy yet worn thin. I'm not sure if I know how to love, truly love, another person anymore.
I mean, of course I absolutely LOVE my children even when they make mistakes and do something kinda stupid - that's what teenage years are about, right? Even when I feel like Nate is slipping away from me, I still love him more than I ever imagined I could love another human ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-48858104202979894772015-11-20T03:47:00.000-07:002015-11-20T16:55:28.594-07:00I'm flawed... but I'm brutally honest about it
Oh God. It's here. That very first time I have to go to a school function after the divorce. And he is bringing the girlfriend. (They already live together - it's only been 8 months since the divorce was final!)
The event is 24 hours away and I can already feel the anxiety building up inside me and my heart starts racing just thinking about it. Where will I sit? Where will they sit? Who will ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-34363696167140455182015-09-04T08:34:00.000-07:002016-03-04T21:46:00.739-07:00Guess what?I'm surviving!! I can't say that I've found complete peace and happiness yet but I am.... ok. I love my house. It's small but it's perfect for me, Mina, and the kids (they're only there 50% of the time anyway and when they are there, Nate's usually working and Elizabeth is usually doing homework or busy with theater or her friends.) I haven't done much decorating yet and the yard needs some~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-90616286104312414742015-02-16T18:10:00.000-07:002015-03-10T12:56:27.847-07:00And just like that........it's over. No pomp, no circumstance, no drama - completely unlike our 23+ year relationship.
July 30, 1994 - February 10, 2015. 7502 official days of marriage. Done.
When the divorce papers show up with the judge's signature and a date on it finalizing the decision to end your 20-year marriage, there are so many emotions that run through your mind. Relief that it's over, sadness that ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-30664006722323909102015-01-24T11:42:00.000-07:002015-03-05T10:43:39.749-07:00The "D" WordOn July 14 2014, just 16 days shy of my 20-year wedding anniversary, my husband Brian and I finally decided chose agreed we were going to get divorced. We were separated (and started filing) once before, got back together, and have been struggling through the past 6+ years trying to make the changes necessary to make our marriage work. We both agreed it was for the betterment of the ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-42505891809154597192014-12-18T23:42:00.000-07:002015-02-16T11:44:06.420-07:00Scattered thoughts.... a very personal post(This is a very personal blog post purging many things from my system so I can go into this holiday season and the new year a wiser, healthier person. If you don't want brutal honesty, stop reading now.)
As anyone who knows me or has read my blog before or is a friend on Facebook can attest to, I am pretty random and scattered when it comes to my feelings and I have a very small filter when ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-54038847454891116902014-08-15T11:39:00.001-07:002014-08-15T11:41:52.614-07:00Reblog....I did NOT write this because I am unable to formulate my thoughts yet despite mutually agreeing to pursue a divorce from Brian; it's still too early. But every single one of these points hits home, hurts, and causes pain in ways I've never known.
36 Things I Wish Someone Told Me About Divorce by Michele Zipp
I know there is a process and I'm slowly working on it. But for now....
I am ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-70275563226753498192014-08-06T11:21:00.000-07:002014-08-06T11:21:41.845-07:00Relationships
I've had many failed relationships over the years (as we probably all have at one time or another.) Some friendships, some romances, some family-based but all affected me in one way or another. As a relationship fails and you crawl out from the wasteland of rubble, you wonder. What did I do wrong? How could I have have been better, done better. Was it my fault? We all carry fault in every ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-51891346539645151572014-07-30T06:31:00.000-07:002014-08-08T14:57:51.141-07:00100 Simple PleasuresI was reading one of the many blogs I follow one morning before beginning a crazy day of kids' high school registration, work, dropping daughter off at the mall with her friends, laundry, making dinner, etc and found this great list of "100 Simple Pleasures" on The Wellness Doer's website. I only read through part of them before I felt inspired to create my own list. I'm going through some ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-24998964001563068262014-07-25T14:28:00.002-07:002014-08-06T11:19:40.161-07:00#truthIt's hard to tell what is really true any more. With all the social media taking over people's lives, the only access we have to one's life is what we are fed through, Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Instagram, WhoSay, SnapChat, Vine or a myriad of other social sites that I don't even know about. Even when you have an actual conversation with someone, they usually tell you what you could easily find ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-55972389126090019922014-06-14T21:41:00.001-07:002014-06-14T21:46:05.413-07:00I Just Want to Belong....For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to belong. As a child I hated being left out of things. There is an 8 year gap between me and my sister and her and my brother are only a year and a half apart so I was a built-in babysitter but as they got older and did stuff together, I felt like an outsider.In middle school, well, it was a daily thing. And, I never really fit in anywhere or with any~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-1263703836896585902014-01-22T10:36:00.002-07:002014-01-22T14:20:46.028-07:00PF Chang's Rock n Roll Half Marathon 1/19/14
So, I "ran" in my fourth half marathon on Sunday. I use quotes because there wasn't too much running actually going on. There's this funny thing when you run long distances called training and it's usually a really good idea to do some of this so-called training prior to running such a long distance. But, I'm such a royal pain in the ass, used every excuse in the book to NOT find time to train/~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-17598089117100907352014-01-15T09:40:00.001-07:002014-01-15T09:42:32.605-07:00A rare day off...
Yikes. I'm 2 hours into my day off (which isn't really a day off since I have a honey-do list of things I need to get done that seems forever long) and I realize that I really miss this whole stay-at-home mom thing.
I like having a clean kitchen with no dishes in the sink, no dishes drying in high piles all over the counter.
I like starting laundry and being done with all of it before noon ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-33919841030813290342013-11-25T13:57:00.000-07:002016-03-04T21:53:33.035-07:00Some things that annoy me...* People that drive up the wrong side of the row in a parking lot (I touched briefly on this on FB recently.) There's a big ass arrow in almost every row telling you which way to go and if that's not enough indication, look at the cars. See which way they're pointing? BIG CLUE that you're screwing this up. And, I'm not talking about the rows that have cars going in both directions (yes, Safeway, ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-81132271575961280852013-11-22T07:00:00.000-07:002013-11-22T14:55:46.905-07:00If it's not one thing, it's another...I'm sure many of my friends - working, not working, moms or not - can relate to the fact that we are all just juggling balls and hoping to not drop too many of them all at once. If I'm being good at exercising, eating well, flossing my teeth, keeping up with the house, etc., then something else has to suffer. I'm either a horrible parent or spouse or the laundry is behind and everyone is wearing ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-70444650831185180212013-11-21T13:47:00.003-07:002013-11-22T14:55:53.809-07:00Being healthy - why does it have to always be so hard?
I am pretty good about taking care of myself - get regular yearly physicals, mammograms, I eat decently (most of the time), I exercise at least 3 days a week, take my vitamins, etc. But sometimes it's just not enough. Sometimes age catches up with you and your body decides to do it's own thing despite all the hard work you put in.
I got my blood work back and when discussing the results with ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-64446051802025158832013-07-15T22:00:00.000-07:002013-07-16T12:16:43.006-07:00Boot Camp Day 1
(as if I could actually stay away for very long :) ....)
I finally reached the breaking point where I am no longer comfortable in my own body and that is a very sucky feeling. So, I signed up for a 3-week intensive body fat burning boot camp at Pulse Fitness. I had done some training there a while back and I really enjoyed the people there. Their motto is "we train the athlete in you" and ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-9105036143375938382013-06-19T07:38:00.000-07:002013-06-19T07:39:18.350-07:00Last One...This is my last blog post. It wish I had a really good reason about why I'm done with it but I don't. I wish I could say I'm too busy living life but that's not the case. Even with good intentions, some things are just not meant to be placed out in the world for all to see. As much as I enjoyed the writing, the anonymity (because let's face my 4 readers let me be pretty anonymous), the idea of ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-53500007123486804122013-06-14T14:43:00.001-07:002013-06-15T07:30:36.208-07:00I Found It........the secret, holy grail to life, that is. Apparently, skinny people do things differently than normal people do to stay thin such as NOT EATING. No really, I'm not just being funny. They skip meals; they literally go hours and hours without food and I guess they are fine with that. I get headaches and really bitchy when I don't eat. Skinny people also take non-bloat pills. And stool softeners ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-62037900690299995332013-06-11T12:40:00.002-07:002013-06-15T07:31:26.323-07:00Oh, how I miss writing! I have so little time these days between work, playing taxi driver to the kids getting them to all their activities - golf, track, theater rehearsal, sporting events, etc., social time with friends, family time, and my personal time (wait, what's that?) Because of all these things, this poor little neglected blog has taken a back burner. Ok, let's face it, this thing isn't~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-50236895072048583322012-11-23T18:22:00.001-07:002013-06-15T07:31:59.101-07:00(unedited) Update on my life :)Hello, my long lost, and very missed, friend. How I've missed you! I checked and my last blog post was in August. August?? How can that be possible? I guess I've been busy living life, working, trying to balance family, work, personal goals, household obligations, etc. all while maintaining some sort of sanity. Ha! Sanity, what's that?
So, a quick and very brief update:
I still love my job. ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-22314651539245804252012-08-15T06:53:00.002-07:002013-06-15T07:32:24.456-07:00Oh, hello little blog! I have missed you oh so much. So many things have happened since I last posted and I really do wish I had time to write more again as it really is cathartic for me. However, between husband, kids, work, life and trying to juggle balance it all, I have no time. Any spare time I have is dedicated to sleeping and trying to read so I don't lose my mind.
I ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-62383843733104805532012-06-28T04:38:00.001-07:002013-06-15T07:32:44.944-07:00I miss writing and blogging about my life.... it's been far too long, many things have happened, but I seriously have no time. Someday soon......
~ with much love, always
~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-20093968711098898972012-05-01T11:59:00.002-07:002012-05-02T10:08:12.655-07:00Today I ran...I have felt pretty crappy for a couple of weeks now and my half marathon training schedule has been all kinds of screwed up. Too many days of shortened runs, missed runs, and very slow runs have culminated in me finally saying screw it, today I am going to run even if it kills me. I had every intention of going right after the kids left at 7am that way it would still be fairly cool out and I ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5638587302758576540.post-7364824144979270922012-04-18T07:25:00.000-07:002012-04-18T07:25:30.434-07:00Where have you been?Ok, ok, more like where have I been the past few weeks.... Yes, I've been a little MIA lately. The past few weeks have been pretty rough - emotionally, physically, mentally, any "ally" way you can think of. I've gained 3-4 pounds back and man can I feel every single ounce of it.
I've got a few blog posts I'm working on and as soon as I get out from under this crappy ass funk I'm in I'll get ~tracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10636350416014860163noreply@blogger.com2