My heart hurts. It feels heavy yet worn thin. I'm not sure if I know how to love, truly love, another person anymore.
I mean, of course I absolutely LOVE my children even when they make mistakes and do something kinda stupid - that's what teenage years are about, right? Even when I feel like Nate is slipping away from me, I still love him more than I ever imagined I could love another human being. He doesn't talk to me voluntarily; I mean, he's never been a really open kind of kid but I wanted so badly to be the kind of mom that my kids can come to to talk about everything. Elizabeth does; maybe it's because she's a girl and we share a bathroom and I'm sure there are still things she doesn't share with me. At least I have those moments with her when we are close and I feel like she confides in me. I think this may all be a consequence of the divorce. I have a friend and it seems that her boys (she has 3 of them) tell her everything. They seem to have such an open relationship. I want that. It makes my heart hurt that I have to drag everything out of Nate. I get it. He's 17 and doesn't want to tell him mom that he kissed a girl. :/ But I am supportive and I can offer good advice, ways for him to stand out in her eyes, stand above the rest of the boys out there. He's going to prom with her yet hasn't officially asked her yet. I asked if he wanted to run his plan by me and he completely shut down. He doesn't want to spend any time at all with his sister and I and it breaks my heart because he's going away to college in a few months and then I'm really going to miss him.
The good news is that I am finally learning to love myself again. This is a very slow process to get back to. It's hard to love your body after so many years of criticism - internal and external - and to realize that this is the only body I have and it's gotten me where I am today (mostly) healthy and alive. I've mentioned my thyroid problem before but I'm not ignoring it. My doctor and I are actively working on it.
Unfortunately, I'm unable to do that at night when I lay in bed and try to go to sleep. I miss a good solid sleep. I think I've forgotten what its like.
~with much love, always