The "D" Word

On July 14 2014, just 16 days shy of my 20-year wedding anniversary, my husband Brian and I finally decided  chose agreed we were going to get divorced. We were separated (and started filing) once before, got back together, and have been struggling through the past 6+ years trying to make the changes necessary to make our marriage work. We both agreed it was for the betterment of the family as a whole as we could see the strain it was causing on Nate and Elizabeth. No one wants to watch their parents fight or call each other names. It was a rough decision, one that I've cried over many days and nights over the past few months, but one that I feel deep down inside my gut and in my heart is truly for the best.

We decided to use a mediator again (we actually met with him to start the process one day after our 20 year anniversary) rather than lawyer up and fight through every decision. Here is a brief idea (I can't express it all or it'd be pages and pages long...) of what the past 7 months (thank goodness it was only 7 months!) have been like:

* The emotions - so. many. emotional ups and downs constantly messing with my mind and heart. Of course it's the right decision but it's hard to walk away from a 23 year relationship.
* You learn a lot about a person when you go through a divorce - the way it brings out the worst in each of you, the manipulative nature of your soon-to-be ex, the guilt trips.
* We put our primary residence on the market before I was ready to move (I still hadn't found a house; Brian found the perfectly priced, great house, great location right away). I was forced to move into a crappy apartment until I find a house to buy.
* Living in the same house until one moves out or buys a house is complete and utter tortuous hell. I highly recommend not doing it. He should have manned up and moved out. Being in the same house day in and day out, seeing everything they are doing... yeah, I can't even describe the pain and agony one feels.
* I had a mental breakdown once the house was under contract and was unable to do anything. I couldn't pack, I couldn't make a decision, I could barely get out of bed - there was some sort of mental block that rendered me completely immobilized and unable to do anything. Thank god for my Mom and Mom-in-law who drove here from CA at (literally) a moment's notice and packed up my entire 3800 sq ft house for me and the kids. Brian had packed up 'his' stuff and moved out, that's it. He provided no help to us in packing up anything else. Most of it went into storage. It took the movers 2 full days to load the truck and move to the apartment and storage unit. I will never be able to express the gratitude and strength those two women brought with them to help me. You will always need your mom(s).
* Even after 7 months, so many tears, loss of friends, forgiveness (still working on this one; it's going to take a long time to forgive)... there is still sadness and some regret. Regret that I did not do enough, was not enough, didn't try hard enough...

It's been a long process, and one that I have been mostly unable to write about and still am not sure I've gotten all off my shoulders that I want (need) to say. But for now...


~with much love (and growth and forward movement and smiles), always