In middle school, well, it was a daily thing. And, I never really fit in anywhere or with any group of people in high school. I had friends, of course, but I could float from one group to the other. I felt like I wasn't missed when I wasn't there. I was always an outsider.
In college, I took classes, had some friends, went out, but again never felt like I belonged anywhere. I minored in theater and we were working on one of my favorite plays of all time and I finally felt like I had a place to fit in. Until I realized that because I wasn't a "principal" I was not part of the "in crowd". Of course, the boy I liked was a principal so that made for some awkward times. Again, I was an outsider.
But I did have another group of friends and we had one big thing in common - our love of hockey and the LA Kings. I think 1990-1993 were some of the best years of my life. We were a gang! We hung out at Jen's parents' house, her parents let us come and go, fed us (thank you Bob and Sue for being parents to all of us), and half of us worked together at their video store. But the best part was when we would pile into someone's car and drive down to the Forum to watch our beloved Kings play. Tickets were about $20 and we were pretty much in the very last row but we always had a blast and rooted our boys on. We flirted our way into signed sticks, autographs, pucks, entry into the Forum Club, all trying to snag a hockey player boyfriend. I was sure I was going to marry Luc Robitaille. :) But, I belonged.
When I would hang out with my best friend, no matter what we were doing, I always felt I belonged there with her and whomever we were with or where we were. I guess that's part of having a best friend. Unfortunately, mine lives 6 hours away from me and we don't get to hang out as often as I'd like. But when we do.... It's usually pretty epic. Until we get together again, I am an outsider.
I recently lost someone as a friend that I felt good around. She always made me feel like I was having a blast. When we went out as couples, it felt right. We belonged. No matter what beer fest we were at, what party we were at, even PTO events, chaperoning choir trips, we were always having a great time. Unfortunately life happens and circumstances change. I actually really miss my friend. I feel like I no longer belong where I am now. I've lost that sense of belonging in my own life. I am an outsider.
I think now they call it FOMO - fear of missing out. Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself at a time when it feels like everyone else is having a great time and I'm lost. Whatever it is, I'd like to feel like I belong again. I'm tired of being an outsider.
~with much love, always
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