As anyone who knows me or has read my blog before or is a friend on Facebook can attest to, I am pretty random and scattered when it comes to my feelings and I have a very small filter when expressing those thoughts and feelings. I am, and have always been since as far back as I can possibly remember, as bipolar as they come (without actually being diagnosed with bipolar disorder but mental illness does run in my family). I can be fine one minute and be in complete turmoil 5 minutes later; happy one minute, in tears within seconds. Going through a divorce (as agreeable as we are with each other) has not made that personality trait of mine any easier to deal with. In fact, I think it's gotten much worse. I've taken more Xanax than ever in the past 6-12 months to get me through those rough patches where I can't breathe because I have no idea what I'm going to do, how I'm going to be able to do it (this one scares me the most), or where I am going.
By nature, I'm not a patient person and waiting for things to happen is very difficult for me. I don't want to wait for the attorney to review our changes to the mediated agreement; I don't want to wait until after the new year to file with the court; I don't want to wait the 3-4 weeks after we file for it to all be finalized; I don't want to be patient while I look for a house. I constantly feel like I'm waiting, waiting for my life to start over. I want to change my thinking with this. I want to remember that life is about the journey and not the destination. I want to embrace this time in my life where I can do everything differently than I've known for the past 23 years.
Back to the divorce, which seems to be all my life is about right now.... I want to do everything "right" for the kids. I want them to finish their teen years knowing that both their mother and father love them (which they know) and that we will always be a family even though we aren't married any longer. I am so jealous of the families that can spend holidays together at one home or the other, or go on vacation together, or exchange gifts (not that we did much of that before, anyway) to show that it's not about the gift but about the joy of giving, or those that can go to dinner and laugh and still have a good time. I haven't seen my soon-to-be-ex since Oct 28 and that was not a pretty event (there was yelling, by both parties, and an iced tea thrown about 30 yards shattering beyond recognition - not my proudest moment). We communicate mostly by text or email. I have not seen his new home where my children spend 50% of their time (I have not been invited over to see it). He still controls almost everything in my life AND I HATE THAT but it's a necessity for now. When I need bills paid, I send them to him for him to pay through the joint checking. When I need a rent check, I have to let him know and he writes the check for me and sends it with Nate. I am more trapped now than I ever felt before. But I know when the funds stop being shared I will stress about every single penny that I spend.I have very few friends. I lost my long-time best friend of 23 years in the divorce (because she is married to his best friend). I have some friends at the gym but they all seem to have their own lives and starting a new friendship is not easy. I know I need to put myself out there but it causes me even more anxiety. I miss my friends I had a few years ago when I was blissfully ignorant but thought I was happy. Those were good times. Game nights, bars, beers, dinners, vacations, sledding, NYE in Flagstaff, those grand times are forever ingrained in my brain . I miss my friends. I'm lonely.
~ with much love, always
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