Random thoughts on love...

My heart hurts. It feels heavy yet worn thin. I'm not sure if I know how to love, truly love, another person anymore.

I mean, of course I absolutely LOVE my children even when they make mistakes and do something kinda stupid - that's what teenage years are about, right? Even when I feel like Nate is slipping away from me, I still love him more than I ever imagined I could love another human being. He doesn't talk to me voluntarily; I mean, he's never been a really open kind of kid but I wanted so badly to be the kind of mom that my kids can come to to talk about everything. Elizabeth does; maybe it's because she's a girl and we share a bathroom and I'm sure there are still things she doesn't share with me. At least I have those moments with her when we are close and I feel like she confides in me. I think this may all be a consequence of the divorce. I have a friend and it seems that her boys (she has 3 of them) tell her everything. They seem to have such an open relationship. I want that. It makes my heart hurt that I have to drag everything out of Nate. I get it. He's 17 and doesn't want to tell him mom that he kissed a girl. :/  But I am supportive and I can offer good advice, ways for him to stand out in her eyes, stand above the rest of the boys out there. He's going to prom with her yet hasn't officially asked her yet. I asked if he wanted to run his plan by me and he completely shut down. He doesn't want to spend any time at all with his sister and I and it breaks my heart because he's going away to college in a few months and then I'm really going to miss him.


The good news is that I am finally learning to love myself again. This is a very slow process to get back to. It's hard to love your body after so many years of criticism - internal and external - and to realize that this is the only body I have and it's gotten me where I am today (mostly) healthy and alive. I've mentioned my thyroid problem before but I'm not ignoring it. My doctor and I are actively working on it. 

I'm making better smarter decisions when it comes to food and what I fuel my body with. I'm working out with weights 3 days a week with Jenna (more on Jenna, later) and I walk Mina 2-3 nights a week as well. I am really enjoying that time where I force myself to let whatever stresses, bad thoughts, criticisms come into my brain and then  I release them. I tend to be a control freak (really??) so to let them go like a light helium balloon into the sky is quite an achievement.

Unfortunately, I'm unable to do that at night when I lay in bed and try to go to sleep. I miss a good solid sleep. I think I've forgotten what its like.


~with much love, always

I'm flawed... but I'm brutally honest about it

Oh God. It's here. That very first time I have to go to a school function after the divorce. And he is bringing the girlfriend. (They already live together - it's only been 8 months since the divorce was final!)

The event is 24 hours away and I can already feel the anxiety building up inside me and my heart starts racing just thinking about it. Where will I sit? Where will they sit? Who will sit with me? I don't want to sit alone. Will we acknowledge each other or completely ignore each other? Will I freak out? Will they triumph and win yet again? Will they even notice or care? I bet none of these thoughts are running through their minds. I'm sure all they think about is how lame the show is (except for the parts the child is in because, well, she's awesome) and how quickly they can get home and drink some wine together (my wine, btw) and admire how lovely they are and how great their home looks (seriously, it's sickening.)

It's 5:00 am the day of the show and I just emailed my two girlfriends and begged them to each save me a seat next to them so I don't have to sit alone. They both said of course because they are supportive and wonderful and lovely and have been in my shoes before. I told them that whomever is sitting furthest from them wins! Lol!




Now it's 6:30 pm. I'm sitting in my car having an anxiety attack. I can't do this. It's too much. I can't go in there and face them. I take a few deep breaths and mentally slap myself, "Hey stupid, this isn't about you. It's about your child. This is HER night, her moment. Get your butt in there. Now." As I'm abusing myself, my friend texts me and says she's on her way out and we'll walk in together.

As I'm walking toward the auditorium, this thought hits me like a brick upside my hard head. This auditorium, these people are MY people, MY domain. I know everyone here, I have friends, I know this place inside and out. Who do they know? One or two people and that's it! I own this.

I walk in with my head held high next to my gorgeous friend and say hi to a few people. I see them sitting there alone and I smile to myself. I'm surrounded by MY people. I set my stuff down and make my way over to some other friends, laugh, smile, hugs, enjoy knowing that I had no reason to feel so anxious.

I go back to my seat and enjoy my daughter shine on stage without another thought or care in the world about those other people sitting there; they no longer poison my mind. At least until the next time something comes up and I have to face these fears all over again. I know that each time will get easier and eventually it won't affect me any longer.


~with much love, always

Guess what?

I'm surviving!! I can't say that I've found complete peace and happiness yet but I am.... ok. I love my house. It's small but it's perfect for me, Mina, and the kids (they're only there 50% of the time anyway and when they are there, Nate's usually working  and Elizabeth is usually doing homework or busy with theater or her friends.) I haven't done much decorating yet and the yard needs some serious TLC/landscaping but that's ok; it can wait.


~with much love, always