Friday, November 20, 2015

I'm flawed... but I'm brutally honest about it

Oh God. It's here. That very first time I have to go to a school function after the divorce. And he is bringing the girlfriend. (They already live together - it's only been 8 months since the divorce was final!)

The event is 24 hours away and I can already feel the anxiety building up inside me and my heart starts racing just thinking about it. Where will I sit? Where will they sit? Who will sit with me? I don't want to sit alone. Will we acknowledge each other or completely ignore each other? Will I freak out? Will they triumph and win yet again? Will they even notice or care? I bet none of these thoughts are running through their minds. I'm sure all they think about is how lame the show is (except for the parts the child is in because, well, she's awesome) and how quickly they can get home and drink some wine together (my wine, btw) and admire how lovely they are and how great their home looks (seriously, it's sickening.)

It's 5:00 am the day of the show and I just emailed my two girlfriends and begged them to each save me a seat next to them so I don't have to sit alone. They both said of course because they are supportive and wonderful and lovely and have been in my shoes before. I told them that whomever is sitting furthest from them wins! Lol!

Now it's 6:30 pm. I'm sitting in my car having an anxiety attack. I can't do this. It's too much. I can't go in there and face them. I take a few deep breaths and mentally slap myself, "Hey stupid, this isn't about you. It's about your child. This is HER night, her moment. Get your butt in there. Now." As I'm abusing myself, my friend texts me and says she's on her way out and we'll walk in together.

As I'm walking toward the auditorium, this thought hits me like a brick upside my hard head. This auditorium, these people are MY people, MY domain. I know everyone here, I have friends, I know this place inside and out. Who do they know? One or two people and that's it! I own this.

I walk in with my head held high next to my gorgeous friend and say hi to a few people. I see them sitting there alone and I smile to myself. I'm surrounded by MY people. I set my stuff down and make my way over to some other friends, laugh, smile, hugs, enjoy knowing that I had no reason to feel so anxious.

I go back to my seat and enjoy my daughter shine on stage without another thought or care in the world about those other people sitting there; they no longer poison my mind. At least until the next time something comes up and I have to face these fears all over again. I know that each time will get easier and eventually it won't affect me any longer.

~with much love, always

Friday, September 4, 2015

Guess what?

I'm surviving!! I can't say that I've found complete peace and happiness yet but I am.... ok. I love my house. It's small but it's perfect for me, Mina, and the kids (they're only there 50% of the time anyway and when they are there, Nate's usually working  and Elizabeth is usually doing homework or busy with theater or her friends.) I haven't done much decorating yet and the yard needs some serious TLC/landscaping but that's ok; it can wait.

~with much love, always

Monday, February 16, 2015

And just like that....'s over. No pomp, no circumstance, no drama - completely unlike our 23+ year relationship.

July 30, 1994 - February 10, 2015. 7502 official days of marriage. Done.

When the divorce papers show up with the judge's signature and a date on it finalizing the decision to end your 20-year marriage, there are so many emotions that run through your mind. Relief that it's over, sadness that it's over, happiness that you can now move on and not look back at all the mistakes you made (except to hopefully not make those same mistakes again), guilt for being happy, anxiety, fear of the unknown, tears.  I'm trying really hard to remember that this is an opportunity to make a better life for myself and make sure our children stay as normal and grounded as possible.

Life is will be good. :|

~with much love, always